Inversion of Sanity
by Capybara
Summary: A random alchemist has discovered the Philosopher's Stone! But men who have been stuck in libraries for years have no tolerence for alcohol, and when he gets drunk...there are drastic consequences for Ed, the military, and the homunculi! Beware Izumi's pi


Inversion of Sanity

Written: 8-20-05

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA

A/N: A psycho idea that randomly hit me. Yeah...um, be warned. A lot of insanity, and my very quirky humor...Oh yeah. Spoilers for Pride's identity. Sorta.

Alchemists are dangerous. They are very dangerous. For instance, alchemists tend to be born with an insatiable taste for power, bizarre things, or, in extremely rare cases, door knobs. Some are also known to have a very low tolerance for alcohol. Only a few sips may be sufficient to push them over the edge, sending them on horrible rampages through the local "Wallmark". Alchemists are very dangerous. This is the primary cause for this inversion of sanity.

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In the deep recesses of Central Library, an alchemist literally jumped up from his desk in glee.

"YEE-HAW!" He cried, tossing his official State pocket watch into the air.

"Hush!" a librarian yelled, clearly pissed. "This is a li—!" She was silenced when the alchemist's pocket watch landed on her head, effectively knocking her out. The alchemist did not even notice. He had been searching his entire life, and now he had found it. Nothing could stop him now! He jumped on top of the desk, not caring that he trampled five books into non-existence.

"IN YOUR FACE, LOSERS!" He screamed, pointing at every alchemist he could see. "I'VE DONE IT!" The other alchemists looked at him, the returned lazily to their reading. What did they care beyond their books?

The triumphant alchemist leaped off the desk, and dashed through the library. He ran outside, into a dark alley, where he scribbled a little transmutation circle on the ground. He placed his hands outside its diameter, and the transmutation circle came to life. After a brief flash of light, the man picked up the newly formed object. It was round, red, and shiny. Its surface was absolutely flawless, more perfect than any marble in the world. He smiled wildly. He had to go show this to everyone.

The people in the bar did not welcome him. They didn't give a damn about the little red stone. What was so special about a marble? The man was crushed. So he ordered a drink. The first drink he had had in years of being buried in his studies. He took one sip of the booze, and was startled to see the stone reacting.

The light that engulfed the room blinded everyone except for the moron who had shut his eyes. What an idiot. When the light vanished, the world was changed. Drastically.

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At that very moment, fourteen beings gasped, and passed out.

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Greed woke with a hellish headache. He hated headaches. And now that he had one, his job was to make sure that everybody else felt his headache.

"I HAVE A HEADACHE!" He howled, then realized he had no idea where he was. Startled, Greed looked around the room. He was in some sort of office…in fact, it looked like a military office. And judging by the size, this was the office of a fairly important officer. Office and officer sounded the same. Greed felt a little better because of that revelation. They both started with the letter 'o'. He was so clever.

He reached to pet the fur on his jacket, and was confused when his fingers met hard little objects. Upon close inspection, they were stars. He counted the stars on his left shoulder. One, two, three, four. He counted the stars on his right shoulder. One, two, three four. There were also stripes on his shoulders. He had four stripes on each of his shoulders. Four, four, four, four. Four sets of four. He shuddered. That had to be a bad omen.

It took him a few moments to get over his sudden fear of four. When he did, he gasped.

"What the hell am I wearing?"

It appeared to be a uniform of some sort.

"It appears to be a uniform of some sort," He explained to himself. "But why am I wearing it?" He rubbed his chin thoughtfully, and scratched his nose. In doing so, he uncovered a most unpleasant surprise.

"What a most unpleasant surprise," He remarked thoughtfully, accepting the fact that he had a very pointy moustache with little struggle for the moment. On a whim, Greed glanced at his left hand. Where was his Urubourus!

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Basque Grand woke up sneezing. His first thought was that there had to be some sort of an animal nearby. He was allergic to all sorts of hair, except for people hair, his special moustache hair, and whale hair. Basque realized he was in some sort of strange warehouse. It appeared to be night. And he kept sneezing. That did it. He had to find the animal and kill it. Right away. Getting off the filthy floor, Basque was able to do very little in an upright position before sneezing himself back down to the floor.

He growled. That animal had to be very nearby. Basque intelligently decided to get outside. He saw a door, and ran for it, keeping his balance as much as possible. The door was unlocked, and he bounded outside.

The sun was out. And yet it was dark. Basque thought for a moment on this strange problem, then removed the sunglasses that were on his nose for no reason. The sun suddenly, inexplicably, regained its brightness.

"OW!" He cursed several times, and was only stopped by more sneezing. Where was that damn animal?

It took him nearly a half hour of hideous sneeze attacks for him to find out that he was wearing a jacket with fur lining on it. Ripping it off of him, Basque noticed a very strange tattoo on his left hand. It was like a worm with wings eating its tail or something. Why would anyone want a tattoo of a worm? Basque tried to tug his pointy moustache in thought. His fingers found nothing.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" His moustache! His pride! His joy! His only reason to live! Basque cried.

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Izumi woke up on a mahogany desk. She was quick to realize where she was, and she was not happy about it. This was the headquarters of the dammed State! She marched out of the office, not even caring how she had gotten there, and proceeded to beat up the first innocent military personnel she found. She was not in a good mood. Kicking was difficult; she was wearing a skirt. She did not act like she was wearing a skirt. Thus, several MP got to see a little bit of pink underwear before being rudely knocked unconscious.

She knew that the military must have abducted her. They had been after her for years-an alchemist like her would make an invaluable addition to their ranks of disgusting rabid dogs. This was the last straw however. Izumi, severely ticked off not only by the fact that they had kidnapped her, but by the fact they put her in a skirt and pink panties, had only one thing on her mind—the Fuhrer was going down.

Instinctively she knew where his office was, and stalked towards it.

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Sloth woke up in a nice house. She was on the floor, as if she had just fallen down. Getting up was easy. Sloth found she had a ravenous appetite. She proceeded to devour everything in the kitchen that she found. To hell with the diet Pride was putting her on! If he knocked her out and placed her in a kitchen, this was what he would get!

Rebelliously she took the entire chocolate cake she had found and ate every last crumb. In his eye.

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Gluttony was happy to have many things to play with. So many shiny toys and things to eat! The shiny things were hard, so he enjoyed banging them together to create his very own form of music. It sounded very much like a love song to him, regardless of what anyone else might think. Gluttony was also surprised to see that he could see his feet. Normally, his belly prevented such a feat. He was thin! Not that he cared. He continued making his music with the shiny, hard things, eating one every now and then. And this time, Lust was no where around to tell him not to eat it.

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"OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!" Winry bawled as she rolled down the hill. She was so fat! She had simply woken up at the top of some random hill, and tried to go down it like she would have normally. She had forgotten to compensate for the disgustingly large gut and small feet she had. The hill was the highest hill in Amestris—in fact, it was only three inches from being considered a mountain.

"OHOMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!"

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"AL!" Ed's terrified cries woke Al from his slumber.

"What is it brother!" Al asked quickly. "Are you all right?"

"No I'm not all right!" Ed screamed. "I'm wearing a skirt!"

Al entered the room and saw that Ed was indeed wearing a skirt. As well as a tiny top and a head band. His golden hair was much longer and hovered out all around him. Al thought something else was wrong too, but could not figure it out for a moment. Had Ed actually grown taller?

"Al!" Ed stared at Al. Al was now the size of a normal boy, devoid of armor. He had a normal set of clothes on, and his arms were two different colors. Go figure. The two brothers simply stared at each other in disbelief.

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"You got short all of a sudden," Wrath remarked calmly to Envy. Envy growled a death threat and kept pacing around the room. How could this have happened to him? His beautiful gravity-defying green hair—replaced by flat gold hair! And he had a red cloak with a black shirt and black pants! What a horrible fashion statement!

Wrath had become a very, very tall suit of armor.

"You're too tall!" Envy complained.

Wrath clanked beside him. That was answer enough. The two were now on a mission—Wrath wanted his body back, and Envy wanted his clothes back. Their first stop was going to be Central, to see Pride and Sloth.

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"DIEEEEEEEE STATE BASTARD!"

Roy woke with a start to see a deranged lady flinging the door open. He jumped up and reached for the gloves he always had in his pocket. His hands did not find their gloves; rather, they met the cold steel of a sword hilt. He only had a second to draw the weapon before Izumi leaped over his desk and hit him in the face with a flying side kick. The deranged lady had pink panties Roy duly noted as he flew from his seat and landed on the unforgiving floor. His battle instincts kicked in and he flew to his feet just in time to block another kick with his sword.

Izumi jumped back from the blade and began circling him, looking for an opening in his defense. Roy kept pace with her, realizing that something was blocking his vision. He tore off whatever was on his left eye, and suddenly the whole room came into incredible focus. The removal of the eye patch caused the deranged lady to pause a second. She stared with wide eyes.

Roy had no idea what she was looking at, and took the opportunity. He ran towards her, sword held in a way he knew was about as far from being correct as Neptune was from the sun. The woman recovered just in time to dodge his clumsy sword and catch him in the chin with a front kick. Roy flew through the air again, wondering who the hell the lady was and why the hell she was trying to kill him.

She charged at him, and Roy simply stuck his foot out. Izumi tripped, and face planted a few feet away. Roy grabbed his sword, not wasting a second, and poked it lightly against her back.

"One move and I run you through."

"Stupid State bastard," She cursed. Roy rolled his eyes. People really needed to stop being so bitter about the State.

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Pride was having a blast reading all of the little love notes he found on Mustang's desk. Not so long ago he had gotten this many love letters…well, only about two, but that was okay. Everyone was different.

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Riza had woken up, stood up, and looked down. She didn't see the floor. What she did see, however, made her eyes wide and her cheeks pink. They were HUGE! What on earth was she wearing! Riza had little time to worry about her extremely inappropriate attire when she heard the sound of fighting in the room next to her. She ran to the room, and threw open the door.

She saw a man pointing a sword at a woman who was face-down on the floor, from who colorful swear words bubbling up. The man appeared to be Mustang at first glance. Then she looked again. Since when had he had such a strange tattoo in his left eye? And a moustache? And taken up residence in the Fuhrer's office.

Roy took his focus off Izumi to see the who had come in, and his jaw dropped. The woman standing there looked like Hawkeye. Same hair, same eyes, same face…different clothes. His eyes traveled part-way down to see an Uroubourus tattoo, and then a little further…where his eyes stayed for a while. Since when had…!

"Sir? What's going on?" Riza asked, all business.

"N-Nothing big. I-I mean, nothing huge-I-I mean…uh…" Roy was saved by Izumi.

"Another State bastard!" She yelled.

Riza raised an eyebrow. "At least call me a State bitch."

"Sorry," Izumi apologized. "A State bitch."

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Lust was annoyed. How confining this blasted uniform was! It was almost claustrophobic! Oh, how she longed to wear her normal outfit! Naturally, the uniform wasn't the only thing she was upset about. Her most prized possessions were no longer something to be prized…She considered going to tell Pride that something strange had happened to her, but she didn't think she could do it. Without…without those, she was just a normal person….

A/N: Yep. I hope you haven't yet gone stark raving mad. If you have, call the nearest asylum. Anyway, if you're still sane, please review. I probably won't write anymore, but if I get enough motivation, it may be possible...of course, you're welcome to tell me never to write anything like this again. I'm fine with that too. Just please, please review!


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